To having the conversation.
The conversation usually starts with someone sharing a problem they’re having with a colleague. They explain what happened. They give me the context. They walk me through the whole thing.
And then I ask, “Have you talked to them about it?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
And around the cycle we go again.
I’ve been struck recently by how often I have this conversation, with supervisors and supervisees alike. Again and again, I notice how willing we are to go to great lengths to spare ourselves (and each other) a hard conversation, all while causing ourselves—and sometimes everyone around us—far more misery than the actual conversation probably would.
We walk around the issue. We pretend it isn’t there. We hope and pray that somehow the problem will just disappear.
Anything but having the conversation.
So, I offer this: Let’s have the conversation. Let’s just talk.
A few things that might make it a little easier:
Tragedy isn’t inevitable. Stop running the worst-case scenario over and over in your head. It’s probably not the most likely outcome, and torturing yourself with everything that could go wrong isn’t making it any easier to get started.
Plan what you’d like to say. It’s okay to practice ahead of time. In fact, it’s a good idea. Write some notes to keep yourself on track, and make sure you communicate what matters. Bonus points if you also jot down the questions you want to ask the other person. Remember, a conversation goes both ways.
Be honest and open. Share what you can, clearly and honestly. And if there are things you can’t share, be forthcoming about that, too. You don’t have to have all the answers to move things forward.
Don’t make it bigger than it needs to be. Difficult conversations are part of life. You don’t need to open with big sighs, awkward energy, or a long preamble about how terrible this is going to be. Acknowledge that the conversation might be uncomfortable, and then commit to showing up for it. Sometimes the best way to put everyone at ease is simply to stop treating discomfort like an emergency.
Have an exit strategy. If the conversation isn’t going the way you hoped, have a plan for stepping away and coming back to it later. Big issues don’t have to be resolved in one conversation. Sometimes it’s actually better to give everyone time to think, process, and regroup. But here’s the important part: don’t step away without deciding when you’ll come back. Otherwise, it’s very easy to slide right back into avoidance mode.
I often say that we all need to spend a little more time getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. It’s a muscle we can build, and the more we use it, the better we get at staying present when things feel hard. Because hard conversations aren’t necessarily a sign that something has gone wrong. Sometimes they’re what we need to grow.
Here’s to having the conversation, and to all the good that can come from showing up honestly, openly, and with each other.